Another rant, trying not to feel hopeless.

I seem to only be posting when I'm in a bad mood. I do apologize to any readers.

I have been really wanting life to be back to the way it was when I only had my two younger children home for those three weeks when my older two were in NY. Now I am NOT saying I wish my older two didn't come home. I missed them terribly. I just wish I could keep house and my sanity as well with all four girls as I did with just two.

I've been racked with guilt lately. Guilt over not being able to get our finances in order mostly. I spent way too much on hte kids' BTS supplies, but it's a double edged sword. I feel guilt for not paying the bills I should have paid and getting behind in things and wondering if they're going to turn off the electric... and also guilt for even having to think that way, for not having a BTS fund all set up and ready to use, and money in savings to take care of bills etc... Oh you name it I can find a way to feel guilty for it. Well, the problem is, Rhiannon has a gift for asking or saying just the thing that makes me feel even worse. It's not her fault at all, but it ends up putting me in a bad mood and I actually say things that even shock me. It's like some other bitchy woman has taken over my mouth and actions, while I just cringe and cry inside.

I finally cried outwardly tonight. In fact all during my lunch break at work. I went to the kitchen to see what I was going to pack the girls for their first day back to school, and saw how my kitchen and living/dining room were trashed. I had to unload the dishwasher and reload it with dishes from all over the place. It was obvious that after dinner when I had to get to work, no one cleaned up at all. The tears starting falling and I was actually sobbing at one point. I just feel so tired and run down all the time. Of course I feel guilt for that. I didn't get out of bed before 3pm the last 3 days, even though I promised myself I would not do that. I remember the scripture, "Love not sleep", and that usually gets me right up and out of bed. But lately, I have shut out everything. I have felt this way before, when I was in the depths of depression. I just don't know why it's hitting me now. I do not WANT to be depressed.

It's a catch22. Depression leads to me not getting anything done which leads to a messy nasty house, which leads to unhappy family, which leads to me being more depressed. A couple of days ago, I was in so much pain, I could barely move. I had to ask for one of the girls to bring me the Ibuprofen and my muscle relaxants. I have had a bad back since a car accident broke three vertebrae (among other things) in 1989. Lately it's been affecting my hips as well, and some mornings I simply cannot move. So that day I took the muscle relaxant, I just didn't want to do anything but sleep. It causes drowsiness, and I do not like taking them ever. The girls all wanted to do something together as a family, but I felt so bad. I finally just took a nap, and when I woke up felt a little better. We went out to the grocery store, got some pie and ice cream then came home and played games and ate dessert. I was really hoping the next day would be better, but Hubby had to work all day, and I just felt bogged down again. I laid in bed trying to go back to sleep over and over even though I knew my kids were home and needed me to make sure they ate more than cereal and sliced cheese. I tried getting them to help, but I got the eye rolls and groans and moans which made me feel worse. I managed to get some laundry done, but I'm way behind on it all and it's piling up again. I'm always behind on dishes and everything else. Like today, I felt down because I didn't make sure I had transportation to church with the kids. I could have, but I didn't make the effort, so I slept longer. When I woke up, I tried feeling better by putting on my favorite skirt and blouse and then Zoe asked if we were going to church. I just blurted out, "No one goes to church at 3 in the afternoon!" I have no idea why I yelled at her or where that came from. Again I shocked myself. I know it made her feel bad, but I couldn't make myself apologize to her. I was upset at myself for reacting like that. I was mad at myself for not taking out the roast the night before and putting it in the crock pot. I was mad that I hadn't made a ton of appointments I should have made before school started. I was mad that I needed to do so many more things before school started, and it starts tomorrow.

I WANT to get back to the old me, the happy me, the me who loves to care for my home and family and praise God and love my husband... I just wish I could fight through this darkness that's just weighing down upon me. Some days the fight is just too hard.

I'm going to go try one more time to make the girls' lunches for tomorrow. I'm hoping accomplishing that task will make me feel better.

We'll see.

Comments

  1. If it helps, it's really not all YOU. We have 2 grown (out of the nest) daughters. The 2nd was a SLOTH. Perfect scores throughout her academic years; always used how she 'worked her a** off' (cerebrally) for the reason she could not find any energy to HELP around our home. A S.L.O.B. When one uses one's brain intensely, it does tire out the body, however. Now...I thought the same as you. Well...she technically doesn't make a mess (except her room). However...when our daughters become OLD ENOUGH to help out and don't, we have every right to read them the riot act. Why? Because household cleaning is for everyone. It is a 'privilege' to live indoors!! Our oldest 'got' this concept. We have a young son. He cleans up after himself and generally is not a slob (thank GOD). But, I too....still fall into a rut. It happens. I'm also going through the 'change' with all the emotions. Before our 2nd moved (beginning of June) she had a 'way' of getting money to fly off her father. She's in her early 20's. While we are not thrilled at her choice of where to live and whom she's living with...there is peace here (sad...but....TRUE). You really have a right to your feelings. If they get you boiling over...pray for an intervention with those older two...even if it has to embarrass them. Get some people from either church or a relative they admire and "BAM-O" talk to them about their needed participation. If anything...talk with your husband. This is not so much your depression as it is a real and valid issue. I've gone on "strike". OMG...this place was...OMG. They (sloppy people) DON'T EVEN CARE. So, strike that option. Prayer and communication. Get out with the hubby for coffee ALONE and talk to him!! He has to make a united front. IF they rebel....don't buy them new clothes. Before she moved, my 2nd tried to get me to buy her clothes. I laughed at her. When it came to her underthings, I told her she asked in the wrong season, because the leaves she would need to gather to 'sew' her things hadn't fallen yet. She shut up right quick. Lives 10 hours away now. Let her boyfriend lose his money. We're done. And my home is now orderly. Kids have a will, dear woman. And you are not to blame for the crappy choices of your kids. And...you are not depressed. Trust me.

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  2. It truly does become a vicious circle where one problem feeds off of another one. It also sounds like perhaps you are having some hormone trouble?? I say that because when mine have been out of whack I felt exactly like you describe where it is just like this heaviness, this blanket of despair falls over me and I can't get out from under it. I haven't had so much of that in several years but when I did St. John's Wort helped me a lot. I'm sure since you have battled depression you know all about that though.

    Honestly forcing everything to a head sounds like it might just cause more rebellion, more fighting, more unhappiness. Now this is just ME talking and I'm not in YOUR home so you do what you think will work best for your family.

    My approach would probably be to take one thing at a time and get some order in it, with or without anybody else. Then the next day just go back and straighten it and add another area or room, whatever you can handle. Maybe have a day for deep cleaning each room? Then say it's Tuesday, the kitchen is a wreck, but it's the living room day. Relax in your clean living room knowing tomorrow you will deal with it!

    When I went through this (the house getting totally out of control and feeling like I was the only one who cared) a while back that is what I did. And sometimes it meant that the only clean room in the house was the bathroom! But it gradually spread and with it came some peace of mind for me. With the laundry, don't look at ALL of it. Do one person's laundry each day. Just their's! If you don't finish it don't worry about it, just move on to the next person's or the towels or whatever the next day. You'll come back to that person's the next week. And eventually you will catch up.

    THAT (to me) would be the time to discuss it in love with your family. When you have calmed down and can speak out of your heart rather than your emotions, ya know? Remind them,when you are calm, that you have battled chronic pain and depression along with ADD and that it simply overwhelms you. Make them think about how much easier things are and how much happier you all are when you can each pitch in together. It may not happen overnight. But don't sacrifice your relationships within your family over this. Soon enough your older two will be moving out. Don't let your time with them be marred with guilt and being overwhelmed with the house. I'm telling ya, Satan uses these problems to kill, steal and destroy the peace, the happiness and the love within your family!

    Don't condemn yourself about everything. I'm not trying to be too simplistic with this either, I know how hard it is! You are a little off track right now but you will get back to where you want to be. Just don't pressure yourself that it has to happen *presto*! That just brings on more guilt! :) {{{hugs}}}

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  3. Thank you to you both. You both make great points. I do think a lot of it is hormones. I have a progesterone cream I forget to use every morning and night. I also have St John's Wort and it's not doing much good in my medicine cabinet, forgotten. My mother in law things I'm entering early menopause. Who knows. I think I've always been like this though LOL.

    I did feel a little better today. I just kind of let things go. I'm glad too cause I had some serious bad stuff happen today financially. I'm trying not to let the guilt overtake me, and instead see the blessings in everything, even the bad stuff. In fact even though it really was a bad thing, it at least finally takes care of a problem that had been nagging at me for months. So I have peace about that now.

    As for the kids, well school has started back, so I am looking forward to getting back to a routine where I can get to bed by 4am (if I can streamline making their lunches), and wake up by 11am so I have several good hours alone here at the house to get things done. I want to get the main living areas done first, and work on keeping them clean. Then I will attack the smaller girls' bedroom and get it clean and decluttered and organized. I'm going to save a little money here and there and get them a new dresser and some shelves for their stuff. Then I'll move on to the bigger girls' room.

    I just wanted to thank you both again (and I welcome anonymous comments anytime), and let you know how much your comments mean to me and made me realize I'm not alone. Here's hoping we all have much better days ahead.

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  4. You do sound more hopeful today and I am so glad you have a plan in place! First and foremost you MUST take care of yourself!!! You need to be sure to take your supplements and do everything you can to get your body back in balance so that the rest of your life can also be in balance.

    It sounds like school starting will also allow you some time to attend to the household chaos and that will help your feelings as well, I'm sure! If my outsides are in disorder my insides feel the same way.

    I am so sorry finances are hitting hard. Believe me, I KNOW how you feel!! All of it! Don't beat yourself up. Just keep trying. Keep turning it over to the Lord, too. If you weren't a good steward with His monetary blessings in your life today, it doesn't mean you have to give up tomorrow. It's a new day and you can resolve to do better and keep plugging away. That applies to everything you are going through, I would think.

    Now no more guilt! There is a difference between conviction, which comes from the Lord, and guilt which comes from the enemy. Guilt breaks you down and causes you to give up and be ineffective in all areas. Conviction, while it may break you for a little while, always builds you up and makes you stronger for the struggle. :)

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I love getting comments, and I read every one. Thanks for coming by my site and reading my ramblings. I hope you have a wonderful day! -Patty

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