Another rant, trying not to feel hopeless.

I seem to only be posting when I'm in a bad mood. I do apologize to any readers.

I have been really wanting life to be back to the way it was when I only had my two younger children home for those three weeks when my older two were in NY. Now I am NOT saying I wish my older two didn't come home. I missed them terribly. I just wish I could keep house and my sanity as well with all four girls as I did with just two.

I've been racked with guilt lately. Guilt over not being able to get our finances in order mostly. I spent way too much on hte kids' BTS supplies, but it's a double edged sword. I feel guilt for not paying the bills I should have paid and getting behind in things and wondering if they're going to turn off the electric... and also guilt for even having to think that way, for not having a BTS fund all set up and ready to use, and money in savings to take care of bills etc... Oh you name it I can find a way to feel guilty for it. Well, the problem is, Rhiannon has a gift for asking or saying just the thing that makes me feel even worse. It's not her fault at all, but it ends up putting me in a bad mood and I actually say things that even shock me. It's like some other bitchy woman has taken over my mouth and actions, while I just cringe and cry inside.

I finally cried outwardly tonight. In fact all during my lunch break at work. I went to the kitchen to see what I was going to pack the girls for their first day back to school, and saw how my kitchen and living/dining room were trashed. I had to unload the dishwasher and reload it with dishes from all over the place. It was obvious that after dinner when I had to get to work, no one cleaned up at all. The tears starting falling and I was actually sobbing at one point. I just feel so tired and run down all the time. Of course I feel guilt for that. I didn't get out of bed before 3pm the last 3 days, even though I promised myself I would not do that. I remember the scripture, "Love not sleep", and that usually gets me right up and out of bed. But lately, I have shut out everything. I have felt this way before, when I was in the depths of depression. I just don't know why it's hitting me now. I do not WANT to be depressed.

It's a catch22. Depression leads to me not getting anything done which leads to a messy nasty house, which leads to unhappy family, which leads to me being more depressed. A couple of days ago, I was in so much pain, I could barely move. I had to ask for one of the girls to bring me the Ibuprofen and my muscle relaxants. I have had a bad back since a car accident broke three vertebrae (among other things) in 1989. Lately it's been affecting my hips as well, and some mornings I simply cannot move. So that day I took the muscle relaxant, I just didn't want to do anything but sleep. It causes drowsiness, and I do not like taking them ever. The girls all wanted to do something together as a family, but I felt so bad. I finally just took a nap, and when I woke up felt a little better. We went out to the grocery store, got some pie and ice cream then came home and played games and ate dessert. I was really hoping the next day would be better, but Hubby had to work all day, and I just felt bogged down again. I laid in bed trying to go back to sleep over and over even though I knew my kids were home and needed me to make sure they ate more than cereal and sliced cheese. I tried getting them to help, but I got the eye rolls and groans and moans which made me feel worse. I managed to get some laundry done, but I'm way behind on it all and it's piling up again. I'm always behind on dishes and everything else. Like today, I felt down because I didn't make sure I had transportation to church with the kids. I could have, but I didn't make the effort, so I slept longer. When I woke up, I tried feeling better by putting on my favorite skirt and blouse and then Zoe asked if we were going to church. I just blurted out, "No one goes to church at 3 in the afternoon!" I have no idea why I yelled at her or where that came from. Again I shocked myself. I know it made her feel bad, but I couldn't make myself apologize to her. I was upset at myself for reacting like that. I was mad at myself for not taking out the roast the night before and putting it in the crock pot. I was mad that I hadn't made a ton of appointments I should have made before school started. I was mad that I needed to do so many more things before school started, and it starts tomorrow.

I WANT to get back to the old me, the happy me, the me who loves to care for my home and family and praise God and love my husband... I just wish I could fight through this darkness that's just weighing down upon me. Some days the fight is just too hard.

I'm going to go try one more time to make the girls' lunches for tomorrow. I'm hoping accomplishing that task will make me feel better.

We'll see.