Ever have one of those days (long venting post sorry)

...when all you want to do is sit in the dark with headphones blasting loud angsty music?

Well I did. Today. Instead I had to work, thought the headphones were still blaring (still are). I got so fed up the house being such a freaking mess that I had a fit of rage. It's actually not the first one this week. I'm having them a lot more often that I used to, and it's alot harder to control them it used to be. I broke one of my milk glasses. I was using one because there were NO glasses clean, not even coffee cups. I just get SO FED UP with the kids just doing whatever the hell they want, especially when I am working or sleeping (which I do during the day - or try at least).

They were out of school today because of the ***damn snow. I am freaking sick of snow, you just have no idea. We used to get this much snow when I was a kid, and I guess we were used to it back then. Since I've been an adult we've barely gotten any big snows and even they were gone quickly. There has literally been snow on the ground here since the first of the year. The kids have been out of school more than they've gone. I am SO over it!!!

So, anyway what was I saying? Oh yes, the kids were out of school today. As a result I didn't wake up at noon like I had planned. I pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep. I finally got up at 3:30 when I had a bad dream. Even then I could have easily slept another 4 hours. Depression? Chronic Fatigue? (which a friend was just diagnosed with), Trying to escape reality? Who knows. I do however know that SOMETHING is wrong.

I've been chalking it up to lack of sunlight and cabin fever etc. I've always been kind of tied to nature like a druid. I grew up out of doors more often than inside. I knew every rock and cave along the creek of the family farm. Nature was always very important to me... then I got married. My husband is allergic to almost everything, and HATES being outside. The amazing smell of honeysuckles in the spring and the fresh smell of cut grass in the summer, and then smell of the leaf piles in the fall...they all make him sick. How could anyone live like that??? Well, being the good wife that I was, I changed for him. I moved to town with him, I saw more concrete than grass. I tried gardening, but after a few years, I just gave up. Now I sleep almost all day, I work in a tiny room with no window til 3am, and when we do have a day off, we usually only go outside to get in a vehicle and drive to another indoor place. You know... it's no wonder I'm almost insane. I wonder how I managed to hang on as long as I have...

So, since I can't make the damnable snow go away, I am now downing stuff like St Johns Wort, Zinc, Gingko Biloba, and I need to get a bottle of Valerian and Vitamin D. Well, it's either that or pay out the ass for a Dr to put me on some chemical like Prozac which I probably really need... but the idea bothers me a lot. I dunno. I'm not really sure what to do. I don't even have a family doctor. The kids have a pediatrician they've all gone to since birth, and hubby has a cardiologist, renal specialist, and an internal specialist keeping everything tracked and making sure it's all working and ticking properly. I had a great OB/GYN but haven't been to the Dr since Zoe was born 7 years ago... well except trips to the urgent care clinic for sinus infections and stuff like that.

So yeah I have been having "temper tantrums" ... but I am afraid I am going to end up hurting someone, possibly myself. Praying the herbal stuff works. Wishing I could just get back to the point where I can "give it to the Lord" and get it all off my mind and shoulders. But that never seems to work out with me. I don't trust myself enough to follow His plan or see the signs...

EDIT: I just re-read this and I have decided I NEED my back porch cleared off. Since winter started, it has become practically a trash dump. There's just a ton of junk out there. All last year I dealt with my back porch having at least 1 and up to 3 appliances on it, as well as the trash cans and all trash overflow... it was horrible. The back yard and mountain view and the porch were the biggest selling points of this house for me, and yet I never really got to enjoy them. That's going to change. When this snow melts and we get a warm day, that porch is getting cleaned off and I'm going to get a scrub brush and a big bucket of hot soapy water and scrub it down. Then I'll put my patio chairs, a small table and the grill back there. I'll have some flowers. I'll hang cute outdoor decorations on the outside wall, and maybe I'll even have an umbrella for the table with umbrella lights.


((Currently listening to Hysteria by Muse))


  1. I'll be praying for you Patty

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  3. I'm so sorry life has been so hard for you lately!! Certainly try natural methods such as herbs and vitamins, more sunlight, exercise. But if you realize that it isn't working also don't be afraid to find a doctor who will prescribe an antidepressant.

    You shouldn't have to live this way!

    Many of them have generics that you can get for $4 a month at Wal-mart.

    As for any stigma associated with the use of a prescription...has you husband used medication for his heart problems? What about taking medication for pain? Medication for infection, cancer?

    No one thinks twice about those and would think you were crazy to suffer when relief or cure could be found. But, sweetie, God doesn't want you to have to suffer with this either. So, please, do what you need to take care of yourself. Sending {{{hugs}}} your way.

  4. Thanks Everybody's Mama. I guess I hadn't thought of it like that. I just hate going to the doctor. I get it from my dad I guess. I always fussed at him for not going to see a doctor. I need to stop being a hypocrite and follow my own advice. Thanks again!


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I love getting comments, and I read every one. Thanks for coming by my site and reading my ramblings. I hope you have a wonderful day! -Patty

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