I Hate Being Shy

Today was the Chorus booster's meeting for the highschool. My 14 year old is now a Freshman and parents were basically told we had to go to one of the two meetings tonight. I filled out the forms, paid attention, took notes... As I sat there listening to the lady who was in charge of the Dessert and a Show fundraiser last year, I found myself once again wishing..praying even that I could be like her. I *WANT* to be one of the ladies who doesn't mind getting up in front of people and speaking.  I want to be able to make friends easily in a group of women I do actually have stuff in common with.  I want to be able to go out in public in this small town and actually see people I know and wave and smile and stop and chat.  I want to have people to go to lunch with. 

I guess the one friend I could do all of these things with was Peggy. She was the type of person I wanted to be. She never met a stranger, and while she actually was self conscious down deep, she never showed it. She passed away last month, and now I realize, she was actually my only real friend here in town. I mean I have friends we play games with, but they're all guys, but one, and she's unable to get out and do things due to a back injury. Even if we were able to go out to the mall or lunch etc,... it's so hard for me to feel comfortable around other women.  I hate that feeling too. I want to be able to be all cheery and friendly and be like those cliche scenes in chick flicks. 

But I'm not. 

I guess that's why my best friend is a guy who lives thousands of miles away. 

When it was time to go sign up for stuff , I forced myself to sign up for stuff I *might* be able to do, like provide bottled water, cough drops, help with concert programs or something...  But the one thing I thought would have been so great to be able to do was head up a fundraiser that was started by a newcomer to the area last year,.. and it might die this year since her kid graduated.  I WANT to do it, but I CAN'T.  I can't explain it to someone who isn't like I am.  It's just something I have to live with I guess.  I just wish I could change.

When the Chorus teacher was free, I handed her my forms, and though a dozen or more conversations had run through my mind, nothing came out... She took it and said my daughter was doing really well.  I said that was great and then brought up her older sister which I had promised myself I would not do since the teacher did not like her older sister, and then mentioned we'd try to be more involved this year. By then the teacher was already uninterested, so I just walked away. 

I remember now why I don't like to leave the house. 

Oh, and then tonight, my 14 yr old, Rhiannon comes up to me and says that out of the blue her best friend's mom said, "I don't like Rhiannon's parents. They don't seem very involved in Rhiannon's life."  Well, on my home turf, I felt a little better and asked Rhiannon if that meant I was not overprotective and controlling.  And she thought about all the ways her friend's mom controls her friend and how she's always complaining her mom is so mean...and said "yeah,.. you're the cool parent."

But still, it kind of hurt that a lady that could have been a friend of mine if I were not the way I am.. is saying these things about me. 

I always wanted to be a "PTA Mom". My own mom was not involved in things at my schools either even though she did not work outside the home til I was in highschool, and I was the youngest. So she had nothing stopping her from going to meetings and doing fundraisers etc.  I guess she had the same issues I have. I can only hope that I can overcome them eventually like she did.  When she went to work in a local diner, she apparently learned how to make friends with the whole town. At her funeral, the line went around the building for hours. The mayor and even Congressman came to pay their respects. So, I know it's possible to outgrow shyness. I know I wasn't this bad when I worked with the public each day as the shoe store manager a few years ago, but this job is kind of regressing me I guess. 

I just really wish I could go to sleep and wake up as a perky, friendly, ougoing, quickwitted person who loves to meet new people.  If you are one of those types of people, thank the Lord for that gift, because believe me, it is a gift.