My anxiety has become a constant companion. The tight feeling in my chest, the jumpy movements, not being able to focus, and the overwhelming sense that the world is ending, or something equally horrible.
As I sit here after getting off work, I expect it to dissipate some. Work has become one my triggers, due to knowing eventually someone would realize my productivity was shit lately. And yep they sure did. I got a text from my new supervisor on Thanksgiving just giving me a heads up that it's been discussed and he wanted to give me a chance to get my numbers up there. Well, that chance was tonight, and I tried. I did. I told everyone not to bother me, I kept the door closed to my closet/office and refused to deal with any of the pets. Other people were here and they had to deal with the dogs and cats. I did my best. I don't feel badly about that. But the anxiety has not gone away.
That's why I am here, writing this blog. I have been journaling a lot lately, but it's not having the same effect it used to have. I guess knowing this will be posted online, makes it feel like I'm talking to a person, and that's the closest I'm getting to therapy any time soon. I've got two kids in therapy, and their bills will take just about everything in my HSA that I've built up over the last few months, and we still have to fill my husband's medications. So, I don't want to add another therapy bill to the mix.
It's currently 4:10am. My plan is to go to the plasma donation center tomorrow (later today) and get that first visit over with. I've had a 44 oz Sonic cup full of water, twice, and then started on a 3rd before getting sick of it and switching to decaf tea. So, hopefully I'll be hydrated. I really hope my veins will behave, and nothing happens to ruin this. I am beginning to get anxious about going, and feeling those martryish and resentful feelings since my husband can't donate plasma, so it has to be me, and we can't double up this income. I've got to squash those feelings before they threaten this plan again. I need to do this. Not only do I need the money, but I need to prove to myself that I can go through with this.
Okay, I'm feeling a little better now. Work is over. No sense worrying about it now. Next week, I will work harder. I will strive to put this sluggish period behind me and start rocking it on my productivity reports again.
I'm going to head to bed and try to get at least 6-7 hours of sleep before getting up, making myself take a shower and heading to the plasma place, 45 minutes away. I did also tell my daughter I'd pick her glasses up at the mall in the same town, so there's an added incentive to go at least.
Hopefully my next post will be good news and I'll tell you how it went.
Have a great weekend!
Patty
As I sit here after getting off work, I expect it to dissipate some. Work has become one my triggers, due to knowing eventually someone would realize my productivity was shit lately. And yep they sure did. I got a text from my new supervisor on Thanksgiving just giving me a heads up that it's been discussed and he wanted to give me a chance to get my numbers up there. Well, that chance was tonight, and I tried. I did. I told everyone not to bother me, I kept the door closed to my closet/office and refused to deal with any of the pets. Other people were here and they had to deal with the dogs and cats. I did my best. I don't feel badly about that. But the anxiety has not gone away.
That's why I am here, writing this blog. I have been journaling a lot lately, but it's not having the same effect it used to have. I guess knowing this will be posted online, makes it feel like I'm talking to a person, and that's the closest I'm getting to therapy any time soon. I've got two kids in therapy, and their bills will take just about everything in my HSA that I've built up over the last few months, and we still have to fill my husband's medications. So, I don't want to add another therapy bill to the mix.
It's currently 4:10am. My plan is to go to the plasma donation center tomorrow (later today) and get that first visit over with. I've had a 44 oz Sonic cup full of water, twice, and then started on a 3rd before getting sick of it and switching to decaf tea. So, hopefully I'll be hydrated. I really hope my veins will behave, and nothing happens to ruin this. I am beginning to get anxious about going, and feeling those martryish and resentful feelings since my husband can't donate plasma, so it has to be me, and we can't double up this income. I've got to squash those feelings before they threaten this plan again. I need to do this. Not only do I need the money, but I need to prove to myself that I can go through with this.
Okay, I'm feeling a little better now. Work is over. No sense worrying about it now. Next week, I will work harder. I will strive to put this sluggish period behind me and start rocking it on my productivity reports again.
I'm going to head to bed and try to get at least 6-7 hours of sleep before getting up, making myself take a shower and heading to the plasma place, 45 minutes away. I did also tell my daughter I'd pick her glasses up at the mall in the same town, so there's an added incentive to go at least.
Hopefully my next post will be good news and I'll tell you how it went.
Have a great weekend!
Patty
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I love getting comments, and I read every one. Thanks for coming by my site and reading my ramblings. I hope you have a wonderful day! -Patty