What I Told My Husband | My Decision (I think anyway) | Anxiety, Job Loss, Unemployment

If you've been following along, you'll know that my husband quit his job in July 2018. His salary had been about $46,000/year.  He was unemployed for 3 months with no income (couldn't draw unemployment since he quit), and finally got a part time job working 24-32 hours a week, making est $14,700/year.  I was working full time at the job I've had for 12 years (plus another 6 as part time and volunteer at same place before that), and had to start having benefits for the family come out of my check. I went from bringing home around $1800-$1900 a month to $1400 a month net.  My gross was about $27,000/year.  Our bills were sized for the $73,000/year income, and now suddenly we were making $41,700/year.  It was hard, but we could have done it. Somehow.

However, we've not had much of a chance to try. On January 4th, my team was told the company we work for as contractors had lost the contract with the company we had provided customer service and social media moderator for since 2008, and some of us had worked for them as contractors before that.  I had been working on their site in some capacity since 2000, back when they had just established a real website and weren't just on AOL anymore. But none of that mattered to the new administration. January 27th will be my last day.  Sixteen co-workers were immediately let go on the 4th, so I thank God that I have had this extra time to prepare... but now I've got to decide what I want to do.

I did do a YouTube video to go along with this which also goes over our history, so I can move forward with what we do next: 

I've written several posts about all of this, and if you'd heard all of this before, I'm sorry.  I feel I need to rehash it for anyone new. The thought of working at another company doing what I do fills me with utter dread and anxiety. The thought that I have to be the one to work full time to get benefits for my family is keeping me awake and making me literally have to go puke often. I have severe anxiety, but I was comfortable at this job.  I'd been there with it as it grew up. The company felt like home and the people were like family. It didn't feel like a job most of the time.

To go to a new company and try to do this with unfamiliar systems, new people I don't know, for products I don't know anything about... I just don't know if I can. And the thing is.  I just don't want to. I know, I'm sure I sound like a "special snowflake"  God I HATE that term, but anxiety is a real thing.  I get actually physically ill when I look at jobs on indeed.com or other job hunting sites. When I get an alert that a job in my field has been posted, I get this rock in the pit of my stomach and I want to puke. I try to do anything all day to keep my mind off the fact that my last day at this job I LOVE is the 27th.

Here's what I told my husband... I worked through him getting laid off from his job of 14 years back in 2006, though he did get on unemployment then, it was still hard, but he finally got another good full time job.  Then I continued working after he had his heart attack and had to recover, and again when he quit that job for being too stressful and was unemployed again. I kept working until he finally got hired back on part time at his original job after they got a new manager.  Thankfully, he soon got promoted and loved the job. I still kept working through him getting fired when they got an evil bitch of a district manager who was out to get rid of everyone she didn't hire... he was out of work for several months that time, but thankfully on unemployment again. Then he got a good full time position at a new company doing about the same thing, and they decided to give all the store managers a huge raise (basically so they could treat them like slaves since they figured they would never leave so much money)... and I kept working when he quit that job after being bullied and treated like a child by a senile old asshole of a district manager (AGAIN - Seriously why do DMs have to be so F*&%ing evil?), and he was out of work for several months without unemployment, until he finally got the part time job with yet another company. (He's not been promoted at this one yet... though he thinks he might be soon. God KNOWS he has the experience! )  I said all of that to say this...  I'm done. I'm not going to work full time anymore. I have been working the overnight shift online for so long I don't know how to sleep in the dark anymore. We'll get something on healthcare.gov and make sure we have health insurance. I'll see if I can find some kind of cheap burial insurance for me and him so our kids don't have to do a Go Fund Me if we die. But I am just f'ing done.

So, what about the debt?  All those minimum payments I listed out in my last post? I don't know. My husband still wants to file bankruptcy and just keep the car payment.  I don't think that's a good idea, and he's confused at that. I just feel like that's for when something like $200,000 medical bills happen like before, not $36,600 in debts.  I'm going to stay on unemployment as long as I can and continue to look for a part time moderator job for a company I actually know and like. I've seen a few, but they were filled before I could apply. So, I know they exist, I just have to hang on and watch for them. Hopefully the unemployment people will be cool with that.  I don't know.

When Hobby Lobby opens here in town, I might apply.  I've done retail before. But I have pretty serious IBS and a prolapsed bladder, (I know, TMI, sorry), so being able to run to the bathroom on the spur of the moment is a big requirement.  it's why I've been working from home on email support and thankfully with a great support team all these years. It's never been an issue before.

So, here's what I really want to happen...  hubby's work suddenly realize what an asset he is, and promote him immediately. Me to be able to stay on unemployment (and get nice sized checks), until I can find the perfect part time job - or an old co-worker bring me on board where they work full time and help ease any anxiety. Dreams. I mean he should eventually get full time, right? SIGH

I want so so badly to get out of Baby Step -100!  I want to be able to say I'm on Baby Step 1! To get to baby Step 2 would be a miracle at this point!  It's so hard to believe how different our lives were a year ago. If you're reading this, and you're not also at Baby Step -100, please please please put money into savings. Contribute to your 401k immediately and as much as you can - even if they don't match it.  Don't let that stop you from saving your own money.  Set up an emergency fund! THIS IS SO FREAKING IMPORTANT!!!! Just do it!  And DO NOT start living above your means. In fact, live well within your means, because let me tell you... those means can be gone in a damn hot second! 

Whatever happens for us, it's going to be a long, hard road ahead of us. At least we have each other, though I am positive that will even be strained. I plan to blog about the whole process.  Everything that happens, whether it's when I file unemployment or finally get my resume the way I like it or find a job I actually don't want to curl up and hide thinking about, and when we do our budgets and pay bills, I plan to document it all here. So, if you're interested in that, come back soon!

Like I think I said before, I also plan to do videos on all of this, so it's not just walls of text, but it'll depend on timing and lighting and finding a camera that doesn't suck. I will do one asap, really. (Update, first video is up and I added it above)

Thanks for reading my rant.
Patty